Missing Haley

When its 3 in the morning and I am listening to songs that remind me of you, I can already tell the mood that is going to transpire today. Today was quiet. It wasn't that all my tears were gone, but no amount of noise I made could fill the silence and the feeling of emptyness that was in my house. I am crying again..and right now the only person I feel like texting to cheer me up is you. I still feel like you will answer when I do and we will just laugh it off. I can't bring myself to believe you are really gone and knowing that I have to wait until I go to Heaven to meet you and give you a great big hug breaks my heart. It is my faith that has kept me somewhat together..but everytime I remember that your gone..I still have the burning question in my gutt asking why. Why you Haley? WHY WHY WHY?! It seems like such a selfish question to ask God because I know He had bigger things planed for you up in Heaven. It is now Saturday..and your service is on Tuesday. I have to be there. I just have to. I have rides and a place to stay and the money to get there, pray that my mom will see how important it is to me and that she will let me go. I remember watching A Walk To Remember and for some reason that movie came to me today in an impactful way. There is a line that says "I don't need a reason to be angry with God." It is taken practically every ounce of energy I have within me not to feel that way. This is a big reason to be angry with God, and I just shouldn't be..it isn't right. When my friend Molly gained her angel wings a few years ago I was completly shattered and my faith was broken like shards of glass. I denied the existence of God because if there was such a divine being..He wouldn't have taken such amazing people away from their loved ones..Now,years later..I am seeing things in a new light. It makes me think of that blog post you wrote awhile back about sea glass and how if God can take trash and turn it into something beautiful with every wave that crashes down upon it, He must be doing something amazing with you..I love that NEGU mentality! and how you said that,"pain and hardship are miserable. We will do almost anything to keep it away. Yet it is through pain that we are refined. We change. We grow. We are somehow strengthened. It is uncomfortable. So uncomfortable. Hardship. While we desire to escape it, we come out stronger than we were before. This isn’t without tears or some "Why God?" moments. The fact that you even had some "Why God?" moments throughout this battle makes me feel less like I am going insane and being totally wrong in doing so."He is refining me. Smoothing the rough edges. Softening the exterior that can cut and be dangerous. He values me and with the break of each wave, I am becoming more of who I was created to be." Haley I always held a special place in my heart for what butterflies symbolize which was why I made you one of the first ones. I see them just like you saw sea glass...butterflies grow and go through many changes before they gain their wings and freedom. I bet you are a beautiful butterfly now. I will think of you everytime I see seaglass. I just will always think of you.