There's the people that say text anytime and then there are the people who actually mean it. I lay in bed tossing and turning tossing and turning unable to sleep. Reality is the nightmare..but will I be able to escape it if I close my eyes? People are wanting me to be stronger then I feel. I just don't know if I can Haley. I had thought it was going to be a closed casket funneral. I wasn't prepared to hear that it isn't going to be. A lot of members of the GTL are asking me to put things in your casket for them, and I just don't know if I am strong enough to keep up the composure to do so. I know it is just your physical body and your spirit is already free, but it is still hard to have that image in my head. I would rather just have the happy Haley one that I picture all of the time. People know how close of friends we are and they are still asking this of me..I know it is important for them to gain a sense of closure too. I really want to help our GP family find that new normal. I wouldn't say its closure..but if it helps them..I will just have to mentally prepare myself in order to help my family through this tough time. It still feels like I am in a zombie state at this point.I am finding it near impossible to fall asleep even though I am so exhausted to the point of delusion. I stayed up till 5 in the morning last night..and woke up at 10 feeling like I didn't even get any sleep at all. I tried to nap today, only to be awaken in a short amount of time. So the feeling for this third day..Tired. Tired of putting on a fake "I'm okay face".Tired due to sleep and emotions mixing. Tired of losing close friends to this stupid disease because there is no cure! Playing music constantly to drown out my distracting thoughts and I came across Carrie Underwood's song Temporary Home."Don't cry for me ..I'll see you all someday." I know its true and that you don't want us to cry because we will be reunited again someday. When I go to Mapelton this week, I wanted to make a special stop with the GTL girls at your track. Your favorite place to be. I wanted to be there with you the first time..I wanted us to run together. I will run for you when I get there though,I will always run for you. I am beginning to see more and more just how much we are like the sea glass you always talked about. You opened up my eyes into looking at life in a new way and I thank you for doing so. I am a much better person because of knowing you. Goodnight Honey Bunches of Oats <3 best="best" dearly="dearly" friend="friend" i="i" love="love" p="p" you="you">

Missing Haley

When its 3 in the morning and I am listening to songs that remind me of you, I can already tell the mood that is going to transpire today. Today was quiet. It wasn't that all my tears were gone, but no amount of noise I made could fill the silence and the feeling of emptyness that was in my house. I am crying again..and right now the only person I feel like texting to cheer me up is you. I still feel like you will answer when I do and we will just laugh it off. I can't bring myself to believe you are really gone and knowing that I have to wait until I go to Heaven to meet you and give you a great big hug breaks my heart. It is my faith that has kept me somewhat together..but everytime I remember that your gone..I still have the burning question in my gutt asking why. Why you Haley? WHY WHY WHY?! It seems like such a selfish question to ask God because I know He had bigger things planed for you up in Heaven. It is now Saturday..and your service is on Tuesday. I have to be there. I just have to. I have rides and a place to stay and the money to get there, pray that my mom will see how important it is to me and that she will let me go. I remember watching A Walk To Remember and for some reason that movie came to me today in an impactful way. There is a line that says "I don't need a reason to be angry with God." It is taken practically every ounce of energy I have within me not to feel that way. This is a big reason to be angry with God, and I just shouldn't be..it isn't right. When my friend Molly gained her angel wings a few years ago I was completly shattered and my faith was broken like shards of glass. I denied the existence of God because if there was such a divine being..He wouldn't have taken such amazing people away from their loved ones..Now,years later..I am seeing things in a new light. It makes me think of that blog post you wrote awhile back about sea glass and how if God can take trash and turn it into something beautiful with every wave that crashes down upon it, He must be doing something amazing with you..I love that NEGU mentality! and how you said that,"pain and hardship are miserable. We will do almost anything to keep it away. Yet it is through pain that we are refined. We change. We grow. We are somehow strengthened. It is uncomfortable. So uncomfortable. Hardship. While we desire to escape it, we come out stronger than we were before. This isn’t without tears or some "Why God?" moments. The fact that you even had some "Why God?" moments throughout this battle makes me feel less like I am going insane and being totally wrong in doing so."He is refining me. Smoothing the rough edges. Softening the exterior that can cut and be dangerous. He values me and with the break of each wave, I am becoming more of who I was created to be." Haley I always held a special place in my heart for what butterflies symbolize which was why I made you one of the first ones. I see them just like you saw sea glass...butterflies grow and go through many changes before they gain their wings and freedom. I bet you are a beautiful butterfly now. I will think of you everytime I see seaglass. I just will always think of you.

Honey Bunches of Oats

I was looking for an address to send something to Haley's family and while looking through my conversations with her, I couldn't help but read a few.

"I don't care! I love you always and forever. You will quickly see that I do NOT judge a person, good or bad. YOU are NOT a bad person. You are one of the nicest people I've met. You are awesome, and have been nothing but good to me, and for that, I will be nothing but good to you. I'm a good listener, and I truly will not judge you, no matter how bad things you did. I love you ALWAYS, promise"

I miss when she used to say,"Nigghhhttt honey bunches of oats" its like I can hear it so strongly tonight."Night honey bunches of oats,I love you *Muah*"
I bet it will always be there..every night..her saying goodnight to me in her own special way. Haley will always be one of my biggest life inspirations. She taught me so much about strength,friendship,bravery,love,and kindness and when she joined the GTL I was among the first to welcome her in. I never would've imagined that the connection between us would grow so much in so little time. Right away we shared a passion for running track and I hoped with all my heart that one day we would both be healthy enough to race each other at her school's track. Haley always saw the good in me and within every single other person that she met. She had that NEGU mentality..ALWAYS. I have been crying all day. Everytime I stop for a split second, another memory/song/picture pops up and I begin all over again. I haven't even made butterflies today ( and everyone who knows me knows how rare that is).I had no idea I would finish my homework due tonight but I did (with 30 minutes remaining) WE did it together. She was here by my side reminding me that no matter what I do in life..whether it is homework that I don't want to do..or something else..I must always keep fighting through the tears and hard times and NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
She used to tell me that I impacted her life almost every single time I talked to her...which was almost every single day. I hope she knows she's impacted mine for the better..but I don't have to think..I know she knows. When I woke up today, the sky was grey and meak..and I felt oh so very weak. But later on the sun shone through the clouds over the mountains outside of my house. She is always going to be here with me..through the sunshine and pain. She will always remain. GP sisters forever and ever and ever and ever! No bond is stronger <3 and="and" beautiful="beautiful" br="br" continues.="continues." day="day" ever="ever" friendship="friendship" most="most" on="on" one="one" race="race" the="the" then..our="then..our" track="track" until="until" we="we" will="will">
"I have 0% control over my body,but I have 100% control over my attitude"-Haley

　

Hey alli baker, you are SUCH a cutie and a sweetheArt, thanks for being so thoughtful and sweet! I would LOVE a bracelet

We were going to have a Greys Anatomy marathon

Pain and hardship are miserable. We will do almost anything to keep it away. Yet it is through pain that we are refined. We change. We grow. We are somehow strengthened. It is uncomfortable. So uncomfortable. Hardship. While we desire to escape it, we come out stronger than we were before. This isn’t without tears or some "Why God?" moments.

So what does this have to do with beach glass? I see my life and the life of my friend as a little piece of beach glass. We aren’t always sure how we will survive different circumstances in our lives. We think we will break under the constant crashing of disappointments, hardships, and trials. But, if a piece of discarded trash can become something beautiful and valuable, I have to believe my Creator is doing much the same with me. He is refining me. Smoothing the rough edges. Softening the exterior that can cut and be dangerous. He values me and with the break of each wave, I am becoming more of who I was created to be.